Tag Archives: radical self responsibility

Cleaning Up My Act

I have something to reveal to you. Something that people are always surprised by when they first get to know me: I’m a bit of a mess.

Not my inner world, mind you. Although I’m not perfect, I’ve spent years cultivating clarity, healthy boundaries, integrity, connection with the divine, self-love, patience, empathy, compassion, and many other important inner-world staples.

I’m talking about my outer world. I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but my kitchen, for example, is a wreck. There’s a build up of gunk on my electric burners. A spider has made its home in the shelves above my fridge. And there are weeds, I kid you not, growing through the wall underneath my sink. Mostly I keep the cupboard doors closed and pray that the hole in the wall will somehow magically go away. It hasn’t yet, but I keep praying.

But something’s changing. Over the last couple weeks, I’ve had a strong internal impulse to clean up my act.

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Cracked Open

On Tuesday, I fell in the shower and cracked my tailbone… and it was one of the most sacred experiences I have ever had.

Let me explain.

I was groggy, not yet awake, and my mind was spinning. The night before I had had thick dreams about being on trial. My attorney had abandoned me right when it was my time to defend myself and I felt betrayed. I woke up hung-over with fear. I knew something big was unraveling inside of me, and it had to do with my relationship to victimhood.

I got in the shower that morning, barely back in my body, and realized, once the water was running, that my handsoap was on the sink. I stepped out to get it, slipped, and whoosh — landed smack on my tailbone.

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